Is this the best the GOP can do?

This column was written after the Mississippi Republican Primary. By the time you read this, former Governor Romney will be the 2012 Republican nominee for President of the United States. Consequently, you may choose to read this as history, or perhaps the latter portion as prophecy of things to come. Regardless of your choice, what is most important is that it needs to be said.
Thanks, Captain Equity

The Mississippi GOP primary in March put our state front and center on the national stage, if only for a week or so. The bad news is that it showed just how terrible the Republican Presidential field is. The more alarming truth is that Campaign 2012 is revealing just how mean and fragmented America is becoming. And the election is still some seven months away. You think this is nasty, just wait. Meanwhile, the national debt grows exponentially, the war in Afghanistan makes the Vietnam debacle look rational and the cynicism quotient rises a little more every day. And so, the Republican Party’s solution in this election was:

Mitt Romney: “Cheesy Grits, biscuits, catfish, and Oh Brother Where Art Thou.” That was in Mississippi. “I love cars, the trees are the right height, Ann drives two Cadillacs.” That was in Michigan a scant couple of weeks earlier. Puh-leeze. How can you be any more condescending and unaware? But here is the clincher, no normal human being other than Michael Vick would strap their family’s pet dog on the roof of their car and drive for eight hours without stopping even though the poor animal had to answer the call of nature in a windblown cage. Net worth has nothing to do with it. Who in their right mind would vote for someone this phony, out-of-touch and callous. My God!

Rick Santorum: “President Obama would have everyone go to college. What a snob.” This is from someone who has three higher degrees. “Listening to JFK’s 1960 speech on separation of church and state makes me want to throw up.” Really? Take some Pepto-Bismol, man. “I am the candidate of freedom unless it comes to women’s contraception, their sex lives and their doctor-patient relationship.” There was a reason this Pennsylvania incumbent senator lost his reelection bid by 18 points back in 2006. Ever since then, he has become a non-lobbyist lobbyist by giving big business “strategic advice.” Hey, Mr. Man of the People, it’s called influence peddling for fun and profit. You Must Be Kidding!

Newt Gringrich: And speaking of trusted moral paragons, the former House Speaker takes the cake. His own caucus drove him from the Speaker’s Chair and out of Congress over serious ethics violations. When was the last time a sitting member of congress had to pay more than $300,000 in fines for such egregious conflicts of interest? Then there are the three wives and two mistresses which became wives two and three respectively.
Despite his emergence as a born, yet again, evangelical Catholic (if that is possible), if one’s past reveals a candidate as a serial wife cheater, how easy would it be to cheat on the electorate? Add to his self proclaimed fiscal and social conservative pedigree the $1.6 million fee he got as a historian for Freddy Mac, the Tiffany’s revolving charge accounts, the trip to the Greek Isles last Fall after his entire election staff resigned, etc. To put it another way, if the past is prologue, well …

Ron Paul: The 76 year old Libertarian Congressman from Texas is absolutely correct about the unpaid for nation building crusades in Iraq and Afghanistan that were authored by the last GOP Commander in Chief. Recall Governor George W. Bush’s quote in the 2000 campaign. “I am against nation building.” Really? That was before W got to do a little “Presidentin” with his buddies Uncle Dick, Rummy et al. Ah, those were the good ole days of GOP rule. Curiously, the Republicans never seem to mention those unforgettable eight years on the campaign trail.

However, when it comes to everything else, Ron is in favor of shutting down the federal government at every level. If you have a serious disease and no insurance, go to your church or perhaps the Rotary Club to pay for your treatment. If that doesn’t work, die. To ensure total freedom, Ron would turn off the stop lights, pull up the stop signs and let the highway system devolve back to dirt roads; gravel would cost too much. We’ve already been there Ron, it was called the Eighteenth Century. Exaggeration? Just listen to his stump speech. Luckily, he will never be President, but he does keep the flame burning for the Tea Party — Whack Job Far Right. My Goodness!

And these guys were the finalists. Does anybody remember 9-9-9 or “Ooops?” Maybe Haley should have added this bunch of clowns to his Pardon List, provided they would promise to seek professional help. On second thought, strike Mitt from the list in light of his chronic, serial flip-flop history, but if he did it would be covered under Romneycare. You can’t make this stuff up.

Coming This Fall:
“All the Dirty Little Secrets”

President Obama (The For Sure Democratic Nominee): The Republican campaign will point out that he is a black (up to half white if you are a moderate Rockefeller Republican which don’t exist anymore) Muslim with Kenyan roots who attended an Indonesian Madrassa called Harvard Law School. Unfortunately for too many GOP base voters, Hawaii is suspect enough as an exotic cauldron of un-American everything, much less Kenya, Indonesia or Harvard.

While all of the foregoing is unfair, except for those who insist on believing it, much will be made of his underwhelming record of “Change You Can Believe In,” which is fair. What you won’t hear is that not one Wall Street robber baron has been prosecuted by the Obama Justice Department. Big money and government have become bipartisan. The only losers are the voters. You will, however, hear about the ever-increasing national debt.

And while I personally fault the President for ignoring his own blue ribbon Simpson-Bowles Debt Commission recommendations, don’t expect anything concrete or constructive from the Republicans beyond platitudes, vague generalities and tax cuts for the rich. Here both parties share equal blame. The hard truth is that nobody in America really wants to sacrifice. Vague promises are one thing, but actually being President is all together different. Here is where President Obama would readily agree with W to wit: “Being President is Hard.”

Mitt Romney: The Presumptive Nominee. Nobody has played the Mormon card yet, but they will. Mitt’s grandfather had to go to Mexico to sustain his polygamy habit. The Garden of Eden is located near Independence, Missouri. And what’s the deal with baptizing Anne Frank, murdered journalist Daniel Pearl and an assortment of non-Mormons posthumously? Really? You’d kind of think that being baptized a Mormon would be a personal decision. Oh yeah, and what ever happened to those Golden Tablets that Joseph Smith supposedly had in Newburgh, New York? Always remember, the definition of superstition is “other people’s religion.”

Rick Santorum: Always A Distinct Long Shot. He voted for the Bridge to Nowhere and who knows what else. That said, you’ve got to trust his assertion that he is a fiscal conservative who can fix America’s intractable financial mess. To quote the Men on Books segment from the old TV Show In Living Color, to wit: “Greece is the word.”

Newt Gingrich: Not In A Million Years. The former Speaker is 68 years old and is probably going to the GOP Convention in Tampa as a hold out candidate. The longer he stays in the race, the higher his speaker fees and the stronger his book sales are, not to mention Calista’s DVD catalog. Oh, and I forgot about ego gratification, but I guess that should be out of bounds, shouldn’t it, since he is a self proclaimed patriot and pure hearted public servant? Hey, if I were Newt, why drop out? Maybe we can get $2.50 a gallon gas after all.

Ron Paul: “Just Bless His Little Heart.”

Oh well, November is just around the corner…NOT! But there is no law against dreaming…YET!